Lost ...

Junoon ?? .. No, obviously i'm not talking about Ali azmat wala Junoon .. I actually want to know the meaning of this word .. ' JUNOON ' !

I don't know why but whenever i say 'Junoon' .. i feel something deep inside .. i don't know what i feel but i do .. I always say that i'm Numb! .. Being 'Numb' and still 'Feeling' - WOWW!! .. Amazing .. isn't it? .. :)

Maybe I'm not Numb .. not precisely because i feel *something* when i say 'Junoon' .. but maybe because i really feel at times .. I don't exactly remember when i felt something by heart last time .. let me think .. ummm .. mmm .. when i came to know that i've passed my Intermediate with *good* grade ?? .. Did i feel happy that time?? Did i really feel anything?? I think I did .. but not as much as i should have !! .. I still remember that day .. It was Sunday .. My cousins were at my place .. and we decided to go for Halwa poori's naashta .. we went .. we were excited [i wasn't .. i'm numb!] .. we had fun .. shayad i had fun too .. when we reached back .. I read the newspaper and then i came to know My result is expected today .. [Result ?? Sunday ko?? Kyuun??] .. as soon as i read that .. i started smsing my friends [ uthoo!! .. aaj result aaraha hai!! ] .. my whole family plus my cousins started teasing and irritating me .. [ kiya main irritate horahi thi?? or was i just pretending?? ] I came upstairs .. turned on the PC .. opened the website .. and then i started ghoomna phirna idher udher orkut per .. finally at around 2 o'clock .. i came to know that the result is announced .. silently i checked it .. and when i saw 'CLEARED' .. i just thanked Allah silently .. then after 2, 3 minutes i called my elder sister who was in her room .. I simply said .. ' Tahreem !! .. main pass hogayi :D ' .. [My voice was loud enough that my cousin suddenly woke up from deeeeeeepp sleep ] .. they all started shouting and congratulating me ... upper neechay pooray ghar main shor mach gaya .. [weren't they expecting k main pass hojaongi? :O ] .. or were they just so much happy.. simply *happy* :) .. i was sitting so calmly .. no i was pretending to show all of them that yess!! m happy too !! .. i checked the results of my other friends .. went down stairs to attend the phone calls of my *excited friends* .. called my grand-mother to tell her that her grand-daughter is very intelligent =/ .. But i think i was really happy that day .. yes i felt really really good !! after a very long time .. I kept on smiling the whole day .. and it means i was happy .. smiling not because i had to pretend but because i really wanted to smile .. :) !!

Since then .. matlab since November'07 I haven't ever felt that much happy again .. Why ?? I don't know .. No , i know .. because I'm Numb!!

And when i cried last time?? When i really really felt that much bad ?? .. let me think again ..... yeahh .. when in April'07 .. my father got a Heart-attack .. I felt like i'm all alone !! .. I felt like attempting suicide !! .. I cried for 3 days .. and then everything came back to normal .. Abbu came back from hospital so as my Life !! .. since then i haven't felt *sadness* and why'd I ?? I'm Numb!!

I felt very bad when i got admission in Sociology .. but not as bad as i should have !! .. i can't explain how much i hate being there .. but still i didn't feel that much bad .. because I'm Numb !!

I felt bad 9 days ago .. When my uncle passed away .. I cried and cried for the whole night .. but i don't know why i was crying ?? .. But i did !! .. Next morning i saw his dead-body .. the whole family cried when they saw it .. even the distant relatives cried .. but i didn't .. why?? Because ......... *:)*



Huuuffff .. Mind is really 'Aawaara' ..!! .. I wanted to discuss 'Junoon' .. and this 'Numbness' ..... huh !!


Can anyone please define 'Junoon' for me ?? =/

Random *

Expressing for the first time .. well actually trying to 'express' .. why? I don't know .. no i think i know the reason .. its maybe because *someone* inspired me so much last night .. or should i better say i loved the way that *someone* writes .. =) ..

I actually had so many thoughts in my mind when i created this blog .. but damn!! .. my nephew is disturbing me a lot right now .. sitting beside me .. " Lakrri ki kaatthi dobara lagayen .. nahi balkay ab Akkarr bakkar laga dain .. taiz tou karain .. aisa karain forward kardain ...... " .. I can't refuse him .. i can't even scold him .. because i love him so much .. but them his Mama loves him too .. most probably she loves him more than me but she even slaps him at times .. !! .. I read somewhere ' You hurt them the most whom you love the most ' .. is it so ?? .. i agree sometimes but then i disagree at times .. yes !! I'm quite confused !! .. Confused about so many things .. confused about my Career, confused with my thoughts, confused with the way i feel for people, always confused with 'what to wear today'?? , and most of all .. I'm even confused with what to eat in my breakfast !! .. Ammi asks, Kiya khaaogi? and i say Kuch bhi bana dain :S .. she knows i'll give the same answer daily .. yet she asks me daily .. with much concern in her voice .. i don't know why .. I'm confused about it too =/ ...

Btw, i opened this site to read that *someones's* more stuff and i started to write on my own .. how weird !! ..

Weather is too pleasant today .. it was drizzling sometime ago .. but it didn't rain !! .. Why ?? Beacuse I was WAITING ??! .. Nahi? ..


* Words are not helping me anymore .. will try some other time .. *sigh* !!